Is wanting to belong wrong?

I am always trying to BELONG but seems like I am doing something WRONG.

Love me. Hate me. That's your call.
I cannot the best for all.

I am who I am for better or worse.
This could be good or my lifetime curse.

I try to fit in with the young and old.
Sometimes making a move that's bold.

These are words that keep on flowing,
Before I go for my walk. I must get going.

Someone SPECIAL

I guess......NO......I AM feeling sorry for myself. I have been having bouts of depression even though I have things and people in my life for which/whom I am grateful.

I miss what WAS. Feel the lack of what IS. And LONG for what NEVER WILL BE.

I miss the feeling of being SPECIAL. For 51 years I was someone's daughter (well, I am still their daughter but you know what I mean) - now I am an adult orphan. I so much miss my parents. I miss their caring, sharing and love. I miss being special to them. I miss how special they made me feel even without their doing anything.

I am very fortunate to still be married after almost 35 years. I felt SO SPECIAL on our wedding day and for many years thereafter. Now.....well, life is different. I am glad I am married to whom I am married however I wish circumstances were different (I wish he was not so sick much of the time).

I became a mother at the age of 30. Wow! What a wonderfully glorious time. I felt so special to have such a wonderful son. I still feel this way. I am so very proud of the man he has become and feel confident that he will continue to grow and be a wonderful person. He is a wonderful son and a wonderful father to two wonderful boys. Our relationship, however, is different. Of course it is and well it should be. I am no longer the most important female in his life. I know that I am one of the most important but now someone else is special (in a different way). I do not wish things were different in that I would not want him to be such a "mama's boy" that he did not have a life of his own; he deserves that and I am happy for him (truly). But I do, in a way, miss being that special woman.

I am special to my grandsons. I am so grateful for their love! I am special to them as their grandmother and that is the way it should be.

I guess I just miss being that (only) special someone. Selfish? or Human?

Choices - Be Careful What You Wish For

It came to me the other day that CHOICES are wonderful things (most of the time). Sometimes we take then for granted. Sometimes we are overwhelmed that we have so many. Sometimes we do not have enough or we do not like those to choose from. Sometimes there are basically none to be had or made.

Years ago I was able to make the choice of doing things by myself. Now, however, I do not have that choices as I HAVE to do most everything by myself......alone.

I guess I took that time, years ago, for granted. I longed to be able to do things alone. At times I wished to be able to do things alone. Well, I guess I got that wish. I did not heed the warning of "be careful what you wish for".

Now, I wish I had those (and others) choices. I should have been more careful for what I wished.

Healing

My parents both passed away within the last 4+ years. They passed away less than 5 months apart.

For so many years, my parents were even more a part of my life. I spoke to them once or twice a day and saw them just about every day once their health declined. Tough decision had to be made. There were many ER visits and many hospital stays. Life was complexed and complicated and at times unbearable. But even today I say that I would not have had it any other way except that I would have had my parents in better health. I do not begrudge or regret my decisions to care for my parents.

It was hard enough when my father passed. He had such strength and was so loving. But then less than 5 months later, Mom passed (mostly from a broken heart). Suddenly I was an adult orphan. My parents were gone.

Life was so different. Unless you have gone through losing your parents (this goes with most anything - unless you have experienced a particular thing.....) you REALLY cannot understand. I had so many emotions including anger. I had one person say to me "AT LEAST you had your parents as long as you did." This was not helpful. It does not matter how long you have someone with you, it hurts when you lose them. A statement was made out "getting over it". Oh, no.......how can you just "get over" something like this. But then I heard someone say "you do not necessarily get over something but you can learn how to GET THROUGH". This was very helpful. Then Hospice said that people are around the first few months for support but then about 3 months later the support seems to fade or disappear - this is when you will begin to need it most. So true!

The healing process has been very hard. My first major milestone was when I had a private ceremony at my parents' house. I had my brother on the phone as I read something I had written. Then I took my parents' ashes and joined them together into one urn (this was done on their wedding anniversary). The healing began.

The next step came when I scattered some of their ashes around the inside and outside of their house before I was to be sold. They loved their house - their home. They loved working in the yard - flowers and vegetables. They loved the fruit trees. They had a good life there. They had a good life together.

These steps helped but I still had difficulty if I would think (too hard) about them; it was too painful. I had wonderful memories but it hurt to think about what was, what is not and what will never be. Last night, I made a breakthrough.

I had read an article in REDBOOK. Part of the article was about psychic abilities. It suggested that you go to a dark and quiet room. Write a question or concern on a piece of paper then close your eyes and concentrate. An answer may or may not come....do not worry. You may get an answer in an unfamiliar way so pay attention - be in tune with your inner self.

I thought I would try this. It worked. I started slowly. I asked "How can I remember my parents without it being so painful?". Suddenly I began thinking about my parents. Flashes of memories and events (with them) flooded my head and it did not hurt. I have guarded myself for so long that there is much I do not remember (for now) but now I am open to remembering. I feel I have the essence of them. I now feel that another healing process has begun. And it is wonderful.

A loose stitch, a stroke and Poof.......

For me 2001 brings back many life changing memories. Not only was it the year of 9/11 but it was a year of more personal tragedies. My dad had to go a series of tests to try to figure out a more defined diagnosis. He ended up being a pin cushion and a guinea pig - he had a series of test that basically served no purpose. It was all very frustrating. It was concluded that perhaps he might have Parkinson's but still no conclusive diagnosis. In August of 2001, Mom had surgery to prevent a stroke (carodid surgery) and ended up having one before leaving the hospital. Apparently a flap of skin moved causing a blot clot to come loose and causing a stroke. I mentioned that I believed she had a a stroke but no one seemed concerned and she was released. In hindsight, we should have pushed that she stay and have further testing. The day after her release it was definitely obvious that she had indeed had a stroke. She could not see anything to the left side of her. She was unaware of a variety of things and she was repeating herself. Back to the hospital where (surprise) it was determined she had had a stroke. Mom stayed in the hospital for weeks enduring tests, more surgery and rehab. She was released a day or two after 9/11. Mom ended up make a decent recovery but she was never the same. She was never again the strong and independent woman. She and my dad needed help.

December 2000 - Life changed quickly

December of 2000 my life changed quickly and dramatically and started taking me in a direction that was totally unfamiliar to me. I was in my room wrapping Christmas presents - wrapping paper, boxes and ribbons were all over my bed. It was a mess but one I was happy to be surrounded by. Then the phone rang. My father called me to tell me that he believed my mom had broken her leg after falling from a step ladder. Dad had suffered a stroke years earlier so was not able to drive. He called the EMS and I met Mom at the hospital. She had indeed fractured her leg in several places. She needed surgery and had to stay in the hospital awhile. When she returned home she was in a wheel chair (for a month or two). It was hard because Dad was not able to care for her by himself. Home Health did come in a bit and that helped but so began a new journey for me - taking care of my parents. I had to (and willingly) help care for them while still working, taking care of my family and still trying to have a life. It was not easy to we all got through it.

Lost

Life has a way of giving us challenges. Most of us have probably had our fair (or unfair) share. I am no exception. My challenges may or may not be worse than yours but they are mine. I do try to put things into perceptive however there are times when I find I must indulge myself in a temporary "pity party". I used to hold everything in but when I got to a point that not only was I not happy I did not even care to be happy. That was scary! I had always been a loving and caring person but then I did not care. I went through the motions of day to day and did what I had to (that I still would not change) but I did not care about my own happiness. It would have been very easy (for some) to hit the bottle and booze it up or to hide under the covers or sleep the days, weeks, months and years away. But somewhere deep inside me I found the strength to realize that I deserved better. I did deserve to be happy. I did not know how this was going to happen but somehow I was going to get myself out of the hole of deep uncaring. I had to find my way back - for my husband, my son, my parents, my family.....but most importantly for me. My way back begun.....