Someone SPECIAL

I guess......NO......I AM feeling sorry for myself. I have been having bouts of depression even though I have things and people in my life for which/whom I am grateful.

I miss what WAS. Feel the lack of what IS. And LONG for what NEVER WILL BE.

I miss the feeling of being SPECIAL. For 51 years I was someone's daughter (well, I am still their daughter but you know what I mean) - now I am an adult orphan. I so much miss my parents. I miss their caring, sharing and love. I miss being special to them. I miss how special they made me feel even without their doing anything.

I am very fortunate to still be married after almost 35 years. I felt SO SPECIAL on our wedding day and for many years thereafter. Now.....well, life is different. I am glad I am married to whom I am married however I wish circumstances were different (I wish he was not so sick much of the time).

I became a mother at the age of 30. Wow! What a wonderfully glorious time. I felt so special to have such a wonderful son. I still feel this way. I am so very proud of the man he has become and feel confident that he will continue to grow and be a wonderful person. He is a wonderful son and a wonderful father to two wonderful boys. Our relationship, however, is different. Of course it is and well it should be. I am no longer the most important female in his life. I know that I am one of the most important but now someone else is special (in a different way). I do not wish things were different in that I would not want him to be such a "mama's boy" that he did not have a life of his own; he deserves that and I am happy for him (truly). But I do, in a way, miss being that special woman.

I am special to my grandsons. I am so grateful for their love! I am special to them as their grandmother and that is the way it should be.

I guess I just miss being that (only) special someone. Selfish? or Human?

Choices - Be Careful What You Wish For

It came to me the other day that CHOICES are wonderful things (most of the time). Sometimes we take then for granted. Sometimes we are overwhelmed that we have so many. Sometimes we do not have enough or we do not like those to choose from. Sometimes there are basically none to be had or made.

Years ago I was able to make the choice of doing things by myself. Now, however, I do not have that choices as I HAVE to do most everything by myself......alone.

I guess I took that time, years ago, for granted. I longed to be able to do things alone. At times I wished to be able to do things alone. Well, I guess I got that wish. I did not heed the warning of "be careful what you wish for".

Now, I wish I had those (and others) choices. I should have been more careful for what I wished.